Self-sabotaging mostly happens unconsciously. There are a few of us, yours truly included, who are stubborn enough to throw gasoline on the fire of a sinking ship and do it consciously, but for most of us, it’s a little more subtle. So that raises a pretty obvious question, right? I mean, how do I know if I’m self-sabotaging… especially if I’m doing it unconsciously?
The best way to identify self-sabotage is through communication. They say it’s the secret to any successful relationship, and it’s true. Honest and open communication with yourself and those in your circle who you truly trust to give it to you straight is the best way to spot self-sabotage.
Once you find it, then you need to get rid of it, but once it’s gone, the tides of war pull the saboteur (your previously programmed emotional responses) away from your shores.
What Are Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
Self-sabotaging behaviors like drinking, eating too much, procrastinating, and even lying are the most obvious, but the most dangerous self-sabotaging behaviors are the ones we don’t see. They are the micro thoughts, words, deeds, and emotions we engage with that push us away from our desires and conscious intentions.
- The words coming out of your mouth impact others, they also impact the way others feel about you and interact with you. You may think your sarcasm or cynicism are funny, but do the people you interact with?
- Everything in the world around you can see, touch, taste, hear, and feel is energy. So are the things you can’t. Again, everything is energy, including the thoughts you have and the emotions you feel. Each of those carries energy. Do you think others don’t feel your anger, jealousy, and judgement?
- Deeds like lying and procrastinating are easy to spot, but how about the subtle ways you try to influence or control others?
- Have you ever made a wrong turn, ended up in traffic, and missed an important meeting or blown a date by putting your attention on business over your spouse?
I, personally, used to walk out on people when I got angry. I’d throw in the towel and pack my bags, no matter how much I had invested in the relationship. I did that with romantic interests, friends, family, jobs, business, hobbies, and everything else that upset me.
These are self-sabotaging behaviors and they are more dangerous than the obvious ones, like drinking, drugs, eating, lying, etc. because they sit just under the surface and we don’t know we’re doing them.
Others assume that’s just part of our personality. Some accept it. Some do not, but these behaviors damage relationships. They damage financial, romantic, family, friend, and every other relationship you have. They undoubtedly cause friction in your daily life, and until reading this, you thought they were just part of who you are, too.
The truth is, they ARE part of you.
But they don’t have to be.
Why Do I Self-Sabotage In The First Place
You carry out these micro behaviors because you don’t have a choice.
Your mannerisms, speech, thought, actions, and everything else about started getting installed not long after conception.
Yep. You thought you were all safe and sound in your mother’s belly as she rocked you to sleep and pampered you with loving strokes before your arrival on this side of chaos.
Remember what we said about energy, emotions, thoughts, and feelings?
Those move through your mother’s womb as easily as the wifi, radio, and microwave signals you’re fighting off in there, as well.
Before you’re even born, your subconscious is picking up on other people’s energy, mom included. In the womb it’s a free for all of energy bombarding you, but there’s no context. That doesn’t come until you’re born, but when it does, it’s just as confusing.
Because the wires get crossed.
Every day of our lives until we’re about 7 years old, and after that in more traumatic/emotional instances, we’re embodying emotions and our emotional reactions to the people, places, things, situations, emotions and energy we encounter.
That means the way you feel and react to the world around you today, as an adult, is based on (foundationally) the emotional embodiment that occurred to a toddler. The way you feel about money, marriage, men, women, dogs, cats, vegetables, butterflies, math, and everything else is based on the experiences of a child.
I know, right?
It’s not as bad as it sounds. Actually, it’s a lot better than that. This might be the best news you’ve ever heard because now you can stop pointing the finger. Today is the day you can walk to the mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and say, “This, ALL OF THIS, is your fault.”
If today is that day for you, congratulations. Your life is about to change in ways you never imagined.
How Do I Know I am Self-Sabotaging?
Getting Rid of Self-Sabotage
Getting rid of self-sabotage requires self-awareness.
Most times, unless you’re already on a path of healing and accepting faults/chinks in your armor as areas for you to work on, you’re gonna blow off suggestions from loved ones, family, and friends.
Having someone say you’re being an @sshole is a lot different from seeing that same thing in yourself.
That’s because the behavior creating the asinine behavior is hidden. It’s unconscious. You don’t even know you’re doing it, so even when a loved one or trusted friend points it out, you DO NOT identify with it.
In those instances, you end up putting more of the blame on the other person, but the truth is, if someone else sees, feels, hears, experiences something from you, you’re probably putting that energy out there.
AND the only time you’re gonna connect with that energy is when you see it firsthand.
“But how do I become self-aware of the things I can’t even see?”
Find it and clear it.
We embody emotions at a rapidfire pace our first couple of years on this planet. The subconscious stores them, so the next time a similar instance happens, the first response gets cued. Easy peasy. Your subconscious can get back to managing more important things… like keeping you alive.
Which means that emotion, and your reaction to it, is inside you somewhere.
All you need to do is find out where it is, connect with it, appreciate the role it played in your life so far and let it go.
Muscle testing – establish a connection with your body, then ask questions
Meridian release points – body release points corresponding to the point where you locate the emotions
Pranayamic breathing – the breath moves the emotions and heals your body with love (literally)
NLP – moves you down the path of conscious intention
Moving On From Self-Sabotage
“So, what happens when I stop self-sabotaging?”
Your life, up until you find and clear self-sabotage, is like running with a rope around your waist with the other end tied to a sandbag you’re pulling on the pavement behind you.
When you find your self-awareness… When you see the things you’re saying, doing, thinking, and emoting toward others, you then have a choice.
Seeing these things firsthand is VERY sobering.
Self-awareness affords you choice. When that lands in your lap, you can keep doing things the way you have been and cultivate the same results, or you can now do something different.
That’s the beautiful thing about choice.